If you're worried someone is being abused

• If you think someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it’s understandable you want to fix it. Please remember that stopping the abuse is not your responsibility. 
  
  

• The responsibility for the abuse always lies with the person causing harm. 
  
  
• If the person you're concerned about is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the Gardaí.
  
  
• There are still helpful things you can do. Make sure to Recognise, Understand, Avoid Confrontation, Listen & Reassure.

Recognise

• It's important to be able to identify the warning signs and risk factors for abuse.
  
  
• Many people don't recognise that domestic abuse takes many different forms. And there are widespread myths associated with abuse that must be challenged – for example, that it always involves violence.
  
  
• Become familiar with domestic abuse in all its forms, including coercive control and economic abuse, so that you can recognise the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Understand

• Understand that abusive relationships are complex due to feelings of love, hope, fear, and responsibility.
  
  
• Practical concerns such as housing, children, finances, or immigration can make leaving extremely difficult.
  
  
• Leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time for someone being abused.
  
  
• Careful planning is important because the abuser can become more violent and controlling.

Avoid confrontation

• Even well-intentioned interventions can put someone who's being abused at increased risk.
  
  
• For you own safety and the safety of the person you're worried about, never confront an abuser or suspected abuser.
  
  
• Avoid mentioning the abuse or suspected abuse in phonecalls or messages to the person you're worried about. Their abuser may monitor their communications. 
  
  
• If you're worried someone is being abused, don't be confrontational with them. Instead, let them know they can talk to you about anything, and that you'll listen with empathy and without judgement.
  
  

Listen & reassure

• Create a space in which the person you're concerned about can confide in you and feel safe. Consider their safety and your own.

• When discussing harmful relationships or experiences of abuse, listen without blaming or judgement, and show empathy.
  
  
• Be patient and recognise that it's not easy to talk about experiences of abuse.
  
  
• Affirm, validate and understand the feelings and experiences they express.
  
  
• Expressing doubt, blame or hostility can harm the wellbeing of the person experiencing abuse. It could stop them from seeking further help. Make it clear that you believe them and validate their experiences.
  
  
• This can look like telling them, "I believe you," "It's not your fault," and "You can talk to me."
  
  
• Finally, offer to help them seek support – acting only if and when they want you to.
  
  
• This may mean offering to get in touch with Saoirse Domestic Violence Services. Please phone us on 1800 911 221 for free (24 hours a day, 365 days a year) or email helpline@sdvs.ie