The cycle of violence

Domestic violence and abuse is not an isolated, individual event but rather a pattern of repeated, escalating, abusive and controlling behaviours that often continue after the relationship has ended.

Many people who are in abusive relationships say that the violence follows a pattern. It does not happen randomly. Rather, it often follows a repeating cycle composed of three phases.

Domestic violence and abuse follows a pattern

Phase 1: Tension-building

The abuser becomes increasingly argumentative, angry, and critical. They may yell, swear, and make aggressive gestures, leading to a tense atmosphere. The person being abused feels like they’re walking on eggshells, anticipating something bad.

Phase 2: Use of violence - the 'explosion'

Tension culminates in violent outbursts, including physical and/or sexual attacks, along with verbal abuse. This is the most dangerous high-risk phase, where injuries are highly likely, and emergency service responses may be needed.

Phase 3: The "honeymoon" period

Following the explosion, the abuser often expresses remorse, apologises, and acts lovingly, sometimes promising to change or attribute their behaviour to stress, substance abuse, or loss of temper. They might give gifts or behave as they did at the start of the relationship. However, this period is short-lived, as the tension, fear and intimidation build again, sometimes within a short period, restarting the cycle again.

The dynamics of love, hope & fear

These three phases tend to be repeated over time and may have days, weeks or months between each. Sometimes, the period between phases gets shorter and shorter.
This explains how the three dynamics of love, hope and fear keep the cycle in motion and make it hard to end a violent relationship.
Often, the longer the relationship lasts, the faster the cycle will turn – and the worse the abuse gets during the explosion.
This cycle might look exactly like what’s happening in your relationship, or it might not at all. Either way, the violence is not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else’s behaviour and do not deserve the abuse.
We offer hope through our many support services to help you break this cycle.

Call our 24-hour domestic violence helpline for free

If you are experiencing violence or abuse in your relationship, we are always here to take your call.